Finding The Way
by CastleTVShowFan
Summary: Mac is the one to take care of Harm, but is he dealing with all that happened in a healthy way?


Title: Finding The Way

Author: MissLisa, Teen – contains drama and angst.

Classification: Story, H/M Shipper

Summary: Mac is the one to take care of Harm, but is he dealing with all that happened in a healthy way?

Disclaimer: The characters belong to Don Bellisario & co. I am just borrowing them for entertainment purposes. No infringement intended.

Spoilers: "Adrift II"

Author's Notes: The dates used are approximate. Thank you to everyone who helped me keep writing this and to all who gave constructive feedback. You know who you are. )

June 5, 2001

1300 Hours

Harm's Apartment

"Thank you for last night, Mac," Harm said with a sigh as he scooted off the couch and sat up.

"No, thank you for last night. I should have known coming to you was the right thing to do."

"You're welcome. That's what friends are for right?" he said with a grin.

"Right," she said with a smile of her own. Switching subjects, she asked, "Where's Renee?"

"I'm not really sure to be honest. I think when she realized you needed me, she figured it would be best if she stayed away," he said quietly, a wave of pain hitting him.

Mac saw the pain played out on his face and immediately went to him. "Are you all right?"

"Well, I satisfied the doctors, but it still hurts. I'm getting too old to eject from planes," he said with a soft chuckle.

"I don't believe that one, sailor."

"It's mainly cuts and bruises. Not to mention my ribs hurt like heck and I think I swallowed more than my fair share of sea water," he added as he started coughing.

"Woah, easy Harm," Mac said gently.

"I'll be okay, Mac."

"You sure?" she asked with concern.

"Yeah, I'm sure. If I'm ever not you'll be the first to know."

"I'll hold you to that, Harm."

He was in another place and time. Mac's saying those words triggered his time in sick bay when Skates had said that to him as he was on the edge of life and death. He could hear her talking to him, but it felt so safe where he was. He had to fight - if not for himself - for Mac.

"Mac," he said quietly when he'd returned to the present.

"Right here, Harm. I thought I'd lost you for a moment there."

"You did," he said quietly.

"What do you mean?"

"I'm having flashbacks to that night when they found me in the water. The nightmares won't stop haunting me."

"We'll get through this, Harm," she said reassuringly.

June 12, 2001

1145 Hours

JAG HQ

He thought he was ready to be back at JAG. What a joke that was. He was still plagued by nightmares in the night and day, Mac was taking care of him, and his body still hurt. It was the nightmares and his fears that scared him the most.

"Hey sailor," Mac said as she stood in his doorway.

"Hey yourself," he replied with a half-hearted smile.

"Ready to go to lunch?"

"Oh yeah! I'm starving and I swear if I have to look at one more file, I'll scream."

"Come on then. I've got the perfect place."

"Ooh, where. . .where?" he said excitedly.

"No, don't think I'll give in that easily mister. It's a surprise."

"You're no fun, you know that?" he said, defeated.

"Sure I am."

Tony's Café

1230 Hours

"So tell me, Harm, how are you?"

"If you knew what a loaded question that was, you wouldn't have asked it," he said irritably.

"All I want is the truth," she said as she reached across the table and put her hand on his, giving it a squeeze.

"Physically, I'm getting better every day. Emotionally, I'm a wreck. I can't sleep. Any sleep I do get is fitful and the nightmares start. Then I wake up screaming."

"Let me stay at your place, Harm. I could be there for you when the nightmares come," she said softly.

"No, Sarah, I can't do that to you. I won't do that," he said emphatically.

"Please, Harm. If you don't want me at your place then come to mine. I don't want you to go through all of this alone," she pleaded as she looked intently into his blue green eyes. She saw so much hurt and pain there that she wanted to cry.

"This is my battle, Mac, not yours. You've already done so much for me. How can I ask you to do this?"

"You're not asking, I'm offering. I can do this for you. Together we can make it, Harm. I know it. What do you say?"

"All right," he said reluctantly. He added, "But I want you at my place instead."

"Hey, that's fair enough. Thank you," she said with a smile.

"I suppose you're welcome."

1930 Hours

Harm's Apartment

Harm got up slowly from the couch when he heard the knock on his door. Despite the pain in his ribs and back, he found himself feeling good; better than he'd felt earlier in the day. He smiled as he opened the door and looked at his partner. She really was beautiful. Not that he hadn't noticed before, but the recent events in his life had made him appreciate the little things.

"Hi, Harm," Mac said easily as she plopped her overnight bag next to the sofa.

"Hey, Mac," he replied as he came to stand beside her.

"How are you doing now?" she whispered as she reached out and traced the ever-fading scar on his forehead.

"Better now that you're here," he said, his breath ragged. It was amazing that he could form any coherent thoughts as Mac traced the faint scar on his forehead. He had to admit she had quite the touch.

"I'm glad sailor. Mind if I shower and change?" she asked hesitantly.

"No, go right ahead. There's some towels in the cabinet in the bathroom. Help yourself."

"Thanks."

He walked to his bedroom and laid on the bed. He could see Mac through the glass blocks of the shower and hear the steady spray of water as she showered. Thoughts of her wrapped in a towel ran through his mind, but he pushed them away. It was true he cared about her and they were slowly becoming more than friends, but he wasn't about to envision her in only a towel.

Not long after he'd dismissed those very thoughts, out came Mac wrapped in a towel. He couldn't help but smile at her.

"Something amusing sailor?" she asked with a smile.

"You in a towel," he said with a chuckle. "I had to make sure I wasn't losing it," he added hastily.

"You mean to tell me you've had visions of me in a towel?" she said with a nervous laugh.

"If it was anyone else, I wouldn't admit it, but yeah, I have."

"You never cease to amaze me, Harm. Wonder what other secrets you've been hiding."

"I'm not sure I'm ready to share all of those just yet marine," he said with a tired sigh.

She picked up on his sigh and went to the corner of the room to change into her pajamas. He didn't watch her, but as soon as she was dressed she sat on the edge of his bed.

"Tired are you?" she asked quietly. His back was to her and she unconsciously started rubbing it.

"Yeah," he whispered. "Mmm that feels good, Mac. You have a wonderful touch."

"Thanks. I just thought maybe it would help ease some of the tension."

"It is helping. Don't stop," he pleaded.

She laid down beside him and continued the massage. She was glad that it was helping him, and she could feel the tension leave his tight muscles as she worked her magic on them.

"Hey, Harm," she whispered, "I don't mean to make you get up, but do you think you could get up so we can pull the covers down?"

"Sure," he replied, turning over and sitting up.

In a short time, they had the covers down and were comfortable once again. Mac continued her massage until Harm fell asleep. She then snuggled up against him, falling asleep shortly.

June 13, 2001

0345 AM

The nightmares were plaguing him again. He was asking for Mac but no one would let him see her. It agitated him to the point that he woke up screaming.

"Mac! Mac!" he screamed piercingly, bolting upright and grabbing the covers into a tight ball in his fist.

It immediately woke Mac from a peaceful sleep. His scream frightened her so much that she could feel the hairs stand up on the back of her neck. She couldn't recall hearing a scream filled with that much terror.

"Harm," she whispered as she pulled him to her and held him, "I'm right here. It's all right now."

He lifted his head up and looked at her with the terror still evident in the deep blue pools of his eyes. He was apparently unaware that Mac was holding him.

"Mac," he whispered.

"Harm, it's Mac," she said. "Look at me please."

"Mac," he repeated, turning to look at her.

"Yeah, I'm here. It's all right now."

He relaxed instantly and laid back down. "No one would let me see you," he said shakily.

"Talk to me, Harm," she whispered.

"I'm scared, Mac. What I mean when I say no one would let me see you is that I kept asking for you and no one would get you. I tried to get up but there were all these wires in me and I couldn't move. I needed to see you. . .I needed to see you," he said while choking back tears.

"I'm here now, Harm," she said as she snuggled closer to him.

"I hope it will always be that way," he whispered.

"Me, too. Try to go back to sleep for a while. The admiral will have our heads if we don't show up or if we're tired he'll know that, too," she added with a smile.

0730 Hours

"Hey sleepy head," Mac said quietly as she planted a soft kiss on Harm's forehead.

"Mmm, hi, Mac," he replied with a yawn as he turned over to look at her.

"Hi yourself sailor. I think we better get up, don't you?"

"It would be wonderful if we could just stay like this," he said with a genuine flyboy grin.

"Come on, Harm, move that six!"

"All right already. Boy you can be demanding," he added sarcastically.

"You don't know the half of it," she retorted.

0945 Hours

JAG HQ

Mac's Office

Harm knocked timidly on his partner's closed door. He needed to talk to her, but he also knew that if she was wrapped up in too much paperwork, it could wait. He was hoping she had a few minutes to spare so he could let her know what had been going through his mind.

"Hey, Mac, got a minute?" he asked hesitantly.

"For you? Of course I do, Harm. Sit down and talk to me," she invited.

He still stood in the doorway, quite unsure and uncomfortable. When she told him she had time for him, he relaxed a bit, closed the door, and sat down.

"I don't know where to start," he said with a sigh.

"Take your time, sailor. I'm here whenever you're ready."

"First of all, let me apologize for last night. I have no idea where the nightmare came from or why I screamed for you. Secondly, thank you for being here. If you weren't, I don't know what I would do right now. Lastly, I don't know how much longer I can do this. The fear, the nightmares, the flashbacks. I can't take it anymore, Sarah," he said the statement quietly, looking at her with pain in his eyes.

She reached across her desk and took his hand in hers, giving it a reassuring squeeze. "If I could make it better, I would, Harm. If I could take away all the fear and pain you're feeling, I'd do it in a heartbeat. I know you have to work through this and that you need me to be here, but maybe it's time you talked to someone. Someone who's qualified to deal with what you're going through."

"No!" he exclaimed emphatically. "If you think I'm going to talk to a counselor or shrink, think again. I'll deal with it eventually."

Sarah MacKenzie had never seen her partner so angry before. Anger was one thing, but verbal anger directed at her - from Harm of all people - was quite another. She decided then that she would be bold.

"Harm, if you don't do something, it will kill you. You'll be so distraught emotionally and physically that you won't want to do anything. You're in denial now, but deep down you know you need more than my support. I don't want to lose you," she whispered. "I won't lose you, not now."

"How can you possibly know how I feel?" he asked with the anger still evident. "Do you know what it's really like, Sarah? Sometimes I'm afraid of myself, of what I might do or say. I can't stand the sight of Tomcats or the ocean. I know I'll never be able to get into the cockpit of an F-14 again. Being a pilot is just a shattered dream now." He looked down at the floor for a moment then because he was ashamed of what he felt, of what he had said to her.

"Look at me," she pleaded then, fresh tears pooling in the corner of her eyes. "I don't know how you feel, but I do know that this isn't healthy for you. You've been home a little over three weeks. The physical pain is healing, but the emotional scars are still too great. You're angry and hurt, but you need help. You can't see that, but I can," she said as she wiped the tears from her cheeks.

He looked up at her with a pain and hurt that was so great both of them could feel it, touch it. "I'm sorry I hurt you, sweetheart. You're not going to like me when this is all over."

"Not like you? How could I ever not like you, Harm? I love you so much," she whispered.

"Trust me, Mac. When all of this is over, you'll hate me."

"Don't say things like that. No matter what we go through, no matter what you say, I could never hate you."

"Just make all the nightmares, fear, pain and hurt go away," he pleaded.

"Besides my being a hand to hold when you're scared, the only other way I can do that is by getting you in to see a friend of mine that's a counselor. I trust her completely. Her name is Cassidy Lewis."

"All right, Mac. Can you get me an appointment for in a couple days?" he asked.

"Sure. Afternoon should work, don't you think?"

"Yeah. Oh hey, I almost forgot to ask you if you'd come with me."

"Of course I will."

"Thanks, Mac," he said with a half-hearted smile.

"You're welcome."

June 17, 2001

1430 Hours

Counseling Center

"So, what brings you here, Commander Rabb?" Cassidy Lewis asked.

He squeezed Mac's hand before replying. "A crash that happened about a month ago."

"Okay. Can you tell me what kind of crash?" she prodded gently.

"An F-14 crash. I was flying in a storm to get back for Mac's wedding, and I was losing control of the plane. I had two choices: punch out or go down with the Tomcat."

"I see. Did you suffer any further injury after you punched out?"

"My RIO was rescued before I was, Cassidy. I spent a little over three hours in the frigid water of the Atlantic. Then the search and rescue crew took me aboard the Patrick Henry and straight to sick bay."

She turned to Mac for a few moments. "And where were you during all this, Colonel?"

"Back at JAG waiting for word on Harm. I wanted to be with him."

"Okay, now that I have the basics, I'm going to ask both of you to tell me what happened next. If it gets to be too much, just say so and we'll stop, okay?"

"Okay," they said in unison.

"Harm, what happened after you were rescued?"

"I went into shock and I remember being really cold. I don't remember a lot of what they did to me because I was out, but I do remember my RIO talking to me. She was screaming and asking me if I heard her. It would have been so easy to give up and for a little while I did. . ." He stopped to take some deep breaths. The emotions were raw and painful and he wanted to stop, but he also knew that Mac needed to hear why he'd held on.

"Do you want to continue or call it a day?"

He looked at Mac and squeezed her hand again. "I think I can do this," he said hesitantly.

"And then?" Cassidy prodded gently.

"Then I heard Skates - my RIO - asking me to save her. I told her I was trying. She asked me not to let go, so I didn't. I remember telling her hi and she wanted me to keep talking. It was hard to do because she was lying on top of me," he said with a small smile. "So I told her that I couldn't breathe and she got up. I knew it was Skates, but I wasn't sure how well I knew her and so I asked her if we'd dated."

"So it was then that you knew you were going to be okay?" Cassidy asked then.

"Yeah. I've been wondering why I didn't give up, why I fought so hard to come back. . .and I think I have a pretty good idea," he added softly.

Mac looked it him closely then and unconsciously started rubbing his knuckles. "Was it Renee?" Mac asked, although she was pretty sure the blonde video princess wasn't the reason he'd held on.

He shook his head, then looked her straight in the eye. "No, Mac, it wasn't Renee that made me hold on, it was you."

"What's your response to that, Colonel?" Cassidy asked.

"First of all, I didn't know you checked out for a bit in sick bay, Harm. Secondly, I'm glad that you fought to come back to me. I don't know what I would have done had I lost you, sailor," she added.

"I needed to tell you so much, Mac. I wanted you to know that I care about you."

"I already know you care, Harm."

"There are some words I've never been able to say to you. I've tried but they won't come."

"Do you want to try now, Harm?" Cassidy asked carefully.

"Not yet. I think I've relived enough of that night for now."

"All right then, you two. That's it for today. I'd like to see you both in a week. However, if things get to be too much, come in sooner, all right?"

"Will do, Cassidy. Thank you," Harm said as he stood up.

"You're welcome."

1545 Hours

Harm's Apartment

"Here we are, sailor," Mac said as she helped Harm out of the car.

"Thanks, Mac," he said with a yawn.

"You're welcome. Tired already?" she asked him as they walked inside and stepped into the elevator.

"If you had all the memories and images in your head that I do, believe me, being able to talk about them would tire you too," he said with a slight smile.

"You'll get there, flyboy. It will take some time, but I know you'll make it."

Once inside the apartment, Harm headed straight for the couch and laid down. Mac joined him shortly, standing beside him and looking at him. There were some stray strands of hair on his forehead and she moved them gently with her hand.

"My mom was right," he said sleepily.

"How's that, Harm?" she asked curiously.

"You really are quite the girl. She said that to me before I went to Russia."

"She did?"

"Yeah."

"Wow! Your mom is someone I have to meet," she added with a smile.

"Someday you will, Mac," he said with a yawn.

"Sounds good to me. Now you should get some rest."

"Yes, Mom," he said with a flyboy grin.

About three and a half hours later

Mac had sat on the floor by the couch as Harm slept. Other than tossing and turning and a few groans, he really hadn't awakened because of nightmares. It didn't mean he didn't have a few dreams, but they weren't disturbing.

Mac stood up and stretched, working out the stiffness in her legs. She watched Harm as he continued to sleep and then reluctantly bent down and placed a kiss on his forehead. It caused him to stir and then he looked up at her.

"Hi, Harm," she whispered.

"Hi, Mac," he said with a smile as he sat up. Then unconsciously he leaned toward her and kissed her softly on the lips.

Once they pulled apart, she looked at him for a moment, taken aback at his boldness and yet excited by it. "What was that for?" she asked with a smile.

"I just wanted to thank you for being here and let you know that I care," he said as he looked intently at her.

"You're welcome. I could be a happier woman if I got thanks like that all the time," she added with a slight chuckle.

"Here, marine," he said with a flyboy grin as he kissed her again.

"You aim to please," she whispered.

"Of course."

July 2, 2001

1530 Hours

Cassidy Lewis' Office

"Well, Commander, how are you today?" Cassidy began.

"It seems to be a lot better than it was when I first came to see you," he said quietly while taking Mac's hand in his.

"But. . .?" she prodded gently.

"But now I've been having dreams of things I should have done. Going after my brother and bringing him home, talking to my mom about this whole mess, and being able to say those important words to Mac," he added as he looked at her.

"It's natural for you to feel this way, Harm. When anyone faces a near-death experience or a trauma like you did, it forces them to look at what is important, to grab on to that. You realize that life is precious and that you aren't invincible," she said with a smile.

"Will I ever be able to say the words to Mac?" he asked no one in particular.

"If you're ready, you could try them now," the counselor suggested.

"Okay," he said as he took a deep breath. "I love you, Sarah," he whispered as he looked into her deep brown eyes.

"Oh, Harm! I love you, too," she replied as she continued to look at him. She could see so much in the depths of his eyes and she knew the connection they shared was a strong one.

"I think I'll leave you two alone for a minute," Cassidy said quietly as she stood up.

Once she'd left, Harm stood up and took Mac into his arms. Having her close made him feel secure and protected. "I'm so lucky to have you," he said quietly.

"I'm the lucky one, Harm," she said as she gently pulled out of his embrace.

"I'd say we're both lucky," he concluded.

"Yeah, we are," she agreed with a smile.

Cassidy came back shortly, just wanting to wrap a few things up. "So, have you realized what's important?" she asked.

"Oh, yeah," Harm said with a flyboy grin.

"Good for you, Commander," she complimented. "I'd like to see you again in two weeks unless something major happens between now and then."

"All right. Thanks again, Cassidy," he said as he stood up.

"You're welcome."

Mac stood up and took Harm's hand in hers, giving it a squeeze. "Let's go home flyboy," she suggested.

"Sounds good to me."

1725 Hours

Harm's Apartment

"You hungry, sailor?" Mac asked once they were inside and somewhat settled.

"Starving," he admitted with a grin.

"How about we make some pasta?"

"Sure. I'll get the water if you'll get the pasta," he said as he pointed to the cupboard where he kept the pasta.

"Shall we make spaghetti?" she asked as she grabbed the container.

"Yeah, why not?" he agreed as he looked around for sauce.

In a short time they had the spaghetti cooking and Harm was stirring the sauce. Mac had found some garlic bread and was just putting that in the oven.

"Not bad," Mac said shortly.

"We make quite a team, huh?"

"Definitely."

1830 Hours

They finished the meal, just enjoying each other's company. Harm went and sat on the couch and Mac joined him. It didn't take him long to reach out for Mac, just wanting to hold her.

"You're beautiful," he whispered once she was in his arms.

"You're not too bad yourself," she said with a smile.

"Thanks," he said with a genuine flyboy grin.

Unconsciously, she leaned up and kissed him softly. It was so easy to give in to that desire. He deepened it, and when the need for oxygen came, they pulled apart and just looked at each other.

"I'm sorry," she whispered as she looked away.

"Don't be. I've been waiting for that," he said as he kissed her forehead.

2045 Hours

Mac got a shower and changed into her pajamas. While she was changing, Harm got a shower and then they both got under the covers.

"Night, Sarah," Harm said with a tired sigh. "Love you."

"Night, Harm," she replied. "I love you, too."

They both slept peacefully for the next six or so hours. To be together, in each other's arms, was natural to them both and neither one of them would have wanted it any other way.

July 3, 2001

0230 Hours

He couldn't breathe. He was held in darkness and someone was talking to him, but it was so hard to break through the comfort of that darkness. Was it Skates that was pleading for him? No, it couldn't be. It sounded like . . .Mac. He knew he couldn't give in to the darkness, he couldn't leave her.

"Harm, listen to me," Mac said through her tears, "you have to hang on. Come on, come back to me. I need you and there's so much I need to tell you. I love you!"

He slowly fought the darkness and tried to talk. It was hard at first, but he managed a weak, "Hi, Mac."

"Hi, sailor."

"Hurts," he managed to say before the darkness claimed him again.

"No!" she screamed. "Don't you leave me. Come on flyboy," she pleaded as she laid her head on his chest.

"Mac!" he screamed as he bolted upright, shaking violently.

"Easy, Harm," she whispered as she sat up. "I'm right here."

"This one was worse than the last one," he said as he swallowed a lump in his throat.

She sat up straighter and put her arms out, inviting him into a protective embrace. It took only a fraction of a second for him to accept her invitation. She rubbed his back and said quietly, "I'm right here sailor and I'm not going anywhere."

He let himself enjoy the comfort of her arms around him for a good five minutes, and then he pulled away and looked at her before lying back down. "You were calling me and I woke up long enough to tell you hi and then I hurt so badly. . .and I. . ." he stopped and shuddered.

"It's okay, Harm. Talk to me," she said gently.

"Then I gave in to the darkness again. I don't know if I woke up from it the second time. I was afraid to find out. . .I was afraid that I. . ." he stopped and looked away from her.

"Afraid that you what, Harm? Afraid that you died?" she whispered.

He turned to look at her again, terror in his eyes. All he could do was nod his head, for he was too terrified to say it out loud.

"Look at me," she pleaded. "You're still here, you didn't leave me. It was only a nightmare."

"It was so real, Mac," he whispered, the terror still evident.

She reached over and touched his face. "Just remember that I'm right here and I'm not leaving you."

She turned over and had her back to him, and he scooted closer to her. Then he took his hand and started rubbing her back. "I don't deserve you," he said it quietly, hoping she hadn't heard him.

She had heard him, and it made her hurt for him. She turned over so that she was facing him and replied, "Yes, you do. I love you and nothing will change that."

"I can see the pain I'm putting you through and you don't deserve that either, Sarah."

"Yes, it hurts me to see the pain you're going through because of all that happened to you, but I also know that you can't do it alone. You're not a victim any more, you're a survivor and you're going to make it. Now please, try to go to sleep," she said the last statement a little more harshly, but only because she was tired and didn't want either one of them to say something that they would later regret.

He didn't say anything because he was hurt and because he didn't want to hurt her.

0745 Hours

"Hey, sleepyhead," Mac whispered as she planted a kiss on Harm's forehead, "we better get up."

"Mmm. Hey Ninja Girl," he said with a smile as he looked at her, "did I ever tell you how beautiful you are?"

"You might have mentioned it a few times."

"You really are quite something, Sarah," he whispered as he sat up.

Thank you," she said as she kissed him softly on the lips.

"You're welcome."

They dressed shortly and were to JAG HQ by 0830. Thankfully they had managed to avoid any questions by the admiral as to their relationship, but they knew it wouldn't be long until everyone started asking questions. Were they dating? Had Mac moved in with Harm? Was a wedding in the works? The barrage would be intense, but they were both pretty sure they could handle it.

1245 Hours

Mac walked into Harm's office and sat down in front of his desk. He was so intent on the files in front of him that he didn't even hear her enter, didn't even feel her presence.

"Harm," she said softly as she reached across and put her hand on his, "how are you doing?"

"Oh hey, marine," he said as he looked up, "what brings you in here?"

"I just wanted to check on you and see if you were in the mood for some lunch."

"Thanks. I'm all right. As far as lunch goes, give me a few more hours and then we can call it a day."

"You're taking the afternoon off?" she asked, surprised.

"Yeah, there are some things I need to do. . .and I. . ." he paused for a moment, which gave Mac a perfect open.

"You what?" she asked gently.

"I need you to go with me."

Okay, no problem. Where are we going?"

"First to lunch and then maybe The Wall."

"Sounds good, Squid," she said with a smile before standing up.

She was in the doorway when Harm spoke to her quietly. "I'm sorry about last night. I should have talked to you. If I shut you out completely. . ."

"It's okay, Harm."

"No, it's not. I think I need to see Cassidy sometime next week. Are you free on Monday afternoon?"

"Yeah, but are you sure you want to wait that long?"

"I know I shouldn't, but can you understand that I just want some time with you?"

"Against my better judgment and saying 'I told you so', yeah I understand completely."

"Thanks. Now get out of here so I can get this done," he said with a small smile.

"I'll be back at 1400 to get you out of here, okay?"

"I'll be here."

1400 Hours

"Hey, Harm, you ready?" Mac asked as she walked into her partner's office.

"Oh yeah," he said with a chuckle.

"I think that's one of the first times I've heard you laugh in a long time," she said quietly.

He didn't say anything, but just looked at her for a few long moments. He felt more passion and desire for her at that moment than he had in the whole time he'd known her. Just having her there made him grateful. Someday she would be his and he would be able to show her all the passion he felt for her. Now he had to concentrate on getting past the fear of all that had happened to him after his crash.

"You okay, flyboy?" she asked as she walked closer to him.

"Of course," he whispered as he touched her face, "why wouldn't I be?"

She put a little distance between them and opened her arms. "I know what you want, sailor. Come here."

He hesitated for a fraction of a second before stepping into her embrace. "I want more than this," he said softly.

"I know. Some day we'll have so much more than this. Right now this is all I can give you."

He just let her hold him for a while, and then he let go and looked up at her. "Thank you."

"You're welcome."

July 9, 2001

1645 Hours

Cassidy Lewis' Office

"Commander, I figured I wouldn't be seeing you for another week. Not that you should have waited to come in, but I must admit I'm surprised," she added quickly.

"Well, Cassidy, you told me I could come in sooner if something happened. I waited before deciding to come in to see you, but I feel I should get this out," he admitted while he looked at Mac.

"All right. Take your time."

He sat there for several minutes looking at Mac. She squeezed his hand, hoping that would give him some courage.

"I had another nightmare about a week ago. It was worse than any others. I couldn't get past a certain point because I was afraid."

"You want to tell me more about that?" Cassidy asked gently.

"I could give it a try," he said with a heavy sigh. "Mac was there when I was brought to sick bay. She was talking to me and I was trying to fight the darkness but it was so hard. I was able to tell her hi and that it hurt but then I gave back into the comfort of the darkness," he said as he looked away.

"Was there more? Do you think you can tell me the rest, Harm?"

"I think so. Then Mac was screaming at me to not leave her. I couldn't take anymore of the nightmare and so I woke up screaming for Mac. I was afraid that I left her for good. . .that I died."

"I know this is hard, but do you think you could remember more if I had you close your eyes?"

"I. . .I don't know," he said shakily. "I could try. It couldn't be any worse than the first part, could it?"

"I can't answer that one, Commander."

He took a deep breath and squeezed Mac's hand. "I'll do whatever it takes to get rid of the fear I'm feeling, Cassidy. Anything at all."

"All right then. If it gets to the point where you want to stop, all you have to do is say the word, okay?"

"Okay. Let's get this over with, Cassidy."

"Close your eyes and just try to remember the nightmare, Harm," Cassidy said quietly.

He closed his eyes and grabbed Mac's hand, holding it as tightly as he could. It was hard to recall images from the nightmare, but he tried as hard as he could. He heard Mac calling him, telling him not to leave her. The comfort of the darkness was so inviting but he knew he had to fight. He couldn't leave Mac.

"Mac," he said aloud.

"I'm right here," she said as she rubbed his knuckles.

"I don't want to leave you. I can't leave you. There's so much we haven't said."

"It's okay," Mac whispered.

"You're safe, Harm," Cassidy said reassuringly.

"I opened my eyes and looked at Mac. She told me that she loved me. . .that we had so much to do yet."

Tears were sliding unconsciously down his cheeks. He opened his eyes and looked at Mac and then Cassidy. It was starting to be too much for him to handle, but he knew he had to do this. If he didn't. the fear would haunt him for the rest of his life.

"Are you all right, Harm?" Cassidy asked.

"I think so. I don't know if I can do this," he said as he looked at Mac with terror in his eyes.

"You don't have to," Mac said as she put her hand on his shoulder.

"If you can't do this we can stop for today," Cassidy suggested.

"I'll be okay. I have to do this."

"Only if you're sure."

"I want to get this over with so I can move on."

"All right. Mac told you that you had so much to do."

"Yeah and then I said I loved her too. The pain was so intense that I wanted to close my eyes and give in again, but I fought it. She kissed my forehead and told me she would see me later, but I told her to stay. . .I didn't want to be alone."

"You're not alone, Harm," Mac whispered.

"I think sometimes I'm more afraid of that than I am of dying," he whispered shakily.

"It's all right, Harm," Cassidy said.

"Mac, don't leave me," he pleaded. "I can't. . .I can't breathe. Don't leave me. I need you. . .I need," he stopped and opened his eyes. The panic and fear were so evident that it scared him.

"Ssh, ssh, it's okay flyboy. You have me and you're okay."

"No, I'm not okay," he said as he reached for her.

"You will be."

"Are you going to be okay?" Cassidy asked.

"Some day maybe. I thought getting all of this out in the open would help, but I think it made it worse."

"Sometimes there is a fine line between what you need and what your body tells you that you need. I think you should go home and rest. Realize that Mac is here for you and that you won't be alone."

"I can't put her through this. I need to be alone."

"If you think that you'll be all right, fine. If there's any doubt at all that you need someone, have Mac stay."

"I will," he said distractedly.

"See you in a week, Commander."

Mac got up and walked out with him, worried he wasn't thinking clearly. Cassidy stopped Mac before she was out the door. "I wouldn't leave him alone, Mac. I don't think he knows how hurt he is, how much pain he brought to the surface."

"If he won't let me stay, I can't force the issue."

"Just watch him."

"Okay I will."

1845 Hours

Harm's Apartment

"You all right?" Mac asked for what seemed like the fifth time.

"I'm fine, Mac," he said tiredly.

"I can stay if you like," she offered.

"I'll be all right, Sarah," he said a bit irritably.

"Okay. Call me if you need me."

2030 Hours

Mac's Apartment

Mac was trying to put the worry over Harm out of her head, but she couldn't. Maybe she should call and check on him or something. Of course, she had told him if he needed her to call, but something told her maybe that wasn't enough.

Same Time

Harm's Apartment

He wanted to forget everything, he wanted to be completely numb. His emotions were too raw. He couldn't take any more. He wasn't thinking rationally, but at that moment, he didn't really care. Anything to take away his pain would be welcome.

He got up and made his way to the fridge, grabbing a few beers from the shelf. What better way to be numb than to get plastered? Before he went to down the beers, he went to the medicine cabinet for some sleeping pills. His rational side was telling him that pills and alcohol was not a good combination, but the side of him that hurt was telling him what the heck.

"I can't do this," he whispered. "I just can't take this anymore," he added as he sat down on the couch.

It was so easy. He grabbed a pill out of the bottle and was about to take it, when he stopped for a minute. Was this really the best way to deal with everything?

"Ah what the heck," he said quietly. "It can't possibly get any worse from here," he added as he downed the pill. It was followed shortly by another and another, a few sips of beer after each as well. He did that until he'd taken about eight pills. The bottle's instructions said two pills every four hours, but he was taking four times that in an hour. Anything to forget the pain, anything at all to feel completely numb.

2230 Hours

Mac's Apartment

There was that thought of Harm again. The voice in her head was telling her that maybe she should call him, but as soon as that thought came, so did another one. The easiest thing would be to go to him, just to make sure he was all right. He had to be, didn't he?

About 10 min later. . .

Mac made it to Harm's apartment in record time, reached for the key he'd given her not long ago, and let herself in. The sight that greeted her was not a welcome one. Harm was on the couch and he looked terrible. It wasn't until she got closer that she realized he was plastered. She then glanced down at the coffee table and saw the bottle of pills.

"Oh my word," she whispered. "Don't you do this to me. Darn you, flyboy!" were the only other words she could manage to get out as she picked up the bottle to inspect it. She wasn't sure at that point how many of the sleeping pills he had taken, but she was more worried about the alcohol - pill combination.

With shaking fingers, she set the bottle down and went to the couch. She touched Harm and tried to see if she could get any response out of him.

"Come on sailor," she said quietly. It was amazing she could get that much out for inside she was shaking. In her frustration, she was uttering expletives under her breath.

She tried everything she could think of to elicit a response from him, but nothing worked. It was then that she made her way to the phone and called 911.

2300 Hours

Bethesda Medical Clinic

Mac paced the hallway, waiting for any news on Harm. She kept thinking what could have happened had she not found him when she did. With a shudder she realized that instead of being here, she very easily could have been planning his funeral. Her partner, friend, the man she loved, could have died from an overdose.

"Are you here with Commander Rabb?" the doctor asked quietly.

"Yes, I am. How is he?"

"He's very lucky. As many pills as he'd taken, as much alcohol as he had. . .I will say this much for him, he's got a strong will."

"I'll give him that," she said with a small smile.

"It makes you wonder what would drive a person to do something like this."

"Unfortunately I have a pretty good idea, doctor," Mac said with a sigh.

"You can see him if you'd like, ma'am. He's in room 115."

"Thank you."

Room 115

Mac sat down by Harm's bed and took his hand in hers. He was so still and silent, yet she knew he was still alive. "Hey flyboy, you had me scared when I first saw you earlier tonight. I should have insisted to stay with you. I should have seen how hurt you were, Harm. If I had lost you. . ." Her thought trailed off when she thought she felt him squeeze her hand.

"Mac," he whispered as he slowly opened his eyes.

"Yeah, I'm right here, Harm."

"What. . .what happened?" he asked, confused.

"You nearly checked out on me, squid. For good."

"What?" he asked again as a headache assaulted him.

"You heard me. When I found you, you were plastered and you'd taken a good deal of sleeping pills."

He closed his eyes and waited for the pain in his head to subside. "I knew I hurt and I wanted to make the pain go away. . .I didn't want to feel anything. . .but I don't remember taking the pills, Mac."

"I should have stayed with you, Harm. Then we could have talked."

"I wouldn't have listened to you if you'd insisted on staying," he said matter-of-factly.

"Stubborn that way aren't you?" she said with a chuckle.

"Yeah, I guess so." Switching topics, he added, "I bet I look really good right now, don't I?"

"Oh, yeah. The nurses didn't quite get all the charcoal off of you though," she said as she reached for a towel one of the nurses had left.

"Bet that makes me look real cute, too," he commented sarcastically.

She stood up and wiped the charcoal off his lips. "There," she said when she was satisfied that he looked decent.

"Thanks," he said quietly as he reached for her hand.

"You're welcome."

They were both silent for a while, enjoying each other's company. Harm was the first to speak. "I know I've messed up in the past, but this time I really did it. I want to get past all that's happened since the night I was rescued, but sometimes I think that the pain will never go away. I think that's part of the reason that I took the pills - and alcohol to top it off - because I wanted to take all the pain away. I was tired of hurting," he whispered as he looked at her.

"You have to remember that you were victimized by the things that happened that night, but you aren't a victim any more, Harm. You're a survivor now. . .together we'll survive this."

"You think so?" he asked as he took her hand in his.

"Yeah." She stood up and stretched, slowly making her way to the door.

"Hey marine, where ya goin'?" Harm asked with a smile.

"Thought I'd take a walk," she said distractedly.

"Mac, what's wrong?" he said quietly.

"Nothing, Harm. I'm fine," she said tiredly.

"Sarah, you're hurting. I can tell. Talk to me. . .please."

His pleading nearly broke her heart. She'd been doing fine until he pleaded for her to talk to him. Darn Harmon Rabb! "Don't do this to me, Harm. Darn you!" she exclaimed as she absently wiped away a few tears of frustration.

"I know what I did tonight was wrong. It scared you and now you're angry. What do you want me to say? I'm sorry doesn't seem to be enough."

"I'm sorry won't make it better," she whispered.

"I deserve that. If you're mad, let it go. I don't want to see you hurt sweetheart."

"Darn you! You nearly die and the best you can do is say that what you did was wrong and you're sorry?" she said angrily as she walked out into the hallway.

"Mac, wait!" he hollered after her. "Stay with me. . .please."

0045 Hours

She was standing against the wall outside his room, giving into the anger, frustration, and exhaustion. She was angry and hurt but she also knew she needed him. Just having Harm hold her would feel so good. It didn't mean that it would take all the hurt and anger away, but it would help somewhat.

"Sarah," he called as she stood outside his door, "stay with me please."

"I've been waiting for you to say that," she said with a small smile as she came to lie beside him on the bed.

"You don't have to wait any longer, beautiful," he whispered as he put his arms around her.

"I'm glad you're okay," she whispered as she fell asleep.

July 16, 2001

1445 Hours

Cassidy Lewis' Office

"Commander, how are you doing?"

"I'm doing all right, but I should tell you about what happened when I left here last time," he added as he looked at the floor.

"All right," she said calmly.

"I nearly checked out on everyone. I took pills and alcohol. Not just any pills, either. . .sleeping pills," he said quietly. It was hard for him to say it out loud, but he knew he had to be honest.

"Do you know why you chose to deal with things that way?" she asked carefully.

"I thought it would take away the pain and hurt, but instead it made my guilt worse."

"Have you found better ways to cope with everything that happened?"

"It's taken a while, but I think I'm getting there. I'm just taking it one day at a time and I've realized what's important. I know that I'll always carry memories of what happened to me, but I survived it."

"Would you like to add anything, Colonel?" Cassidy asked as she looked at Mac.

"It's been hard for both of us, but I would have to agree with Harm. He's getting there - he has certainly come a long way since everything first happened. He sees himself as a survivor."

"Good. Anything else?"

"I haven't managed to get back into an F-14 yet," Harm said quietly.

"You will someday," Mac said as she took his hand in hers.

"You will when you're ready, Commander," Cassidy added.

"So is this my last session?" Harm asked cautiously.

"I think we've reached that point. If you would ever need anything, you know where to find me."

"Thanks," Harm said.

"Congratulations, Harm," Cassidy said as she stood up.

"Thanks again, Cassidy," Mac added as she stood up.

"You're both very welcome."

"Let's go home, sailor," Mac suggested.

"Sounds good to me."

August 5, 2001

1330 Hours

Harm's Apartment

It had been a little over two months since the night Mac had come to Harm after Mic had left to return to Australia. It seemed like a lifetime ago to Harm and Mac. They were growing closer and closer with each passing day, and they had managed to satisfy everyone's questions about their relationship.

Harm heard the knock on his door, and he got up quickly to answer it. He had an idea who was there and it made him smile just thinking of that person.

"Boy have I got a surprise for you!" Mac exclaimed as she kissed Harm softly.

"Ooh you know I love surprises. So where are we going?"

"You know I can't tell you that, squid," she replied.

"Okay then just take me there."

"I think the chopper's ready," she said quietly.

1330 Hours

Over the Atlantic Ocean

Harm and Mac were still in the chopper, but almost to their destination. In order to make the surprise even bigger, Mac had insisted that Harm close his eyes for at least the last few minutes of their trip.

"Can I look now, marine?" Harm asked impatiently.

"Only a few more minutes, Harm."

They landed on the carrier shortly, and then Harm got to look. He was excited and nervous at the same time. The first thing he noticed was all of the F-14s.

"So this was your surprise," he said quietly.

"Yeah. I thought maybe you'd like to see Captain Ingles again and maybe take a Tomcat up."

"We'll see about that last part, Mac."

"Just think about it, Harm," she said as she took his hand.

Harm took a few minutes to talk with Captain Ingles and then he went to see if anyone could find him a flight suit. Maybe a few minutes in an F-14 wouldn't be such a bad idea after all. He thought it might even be fun if he didn't freak out.

He finished zipping up his flight suit and Mac walked in the room. "Wow flyboy. That looks pretty good on you," she said with a smile as she walked closer to him. "Those wings look really good."

"You know what they say about. . ." she silenced him by kissing him softly on the lips.

"Gold wings and dress whites, I know. I was wrong when I said it was overrated," she added quietly.

"If I decide to go up, will you come with me?"

"Of course."

"Thanks."

1420 Hours

He decided to take a Tomcat up for a little while. Besides, Mac would be with him, right? And he might even like it; love it as much as he did before the crash. He'd just take it one step at a time.

"Let's go, Mac," he said as soon as he'd found her.

"All right flyboy."

Once he was up in the air, he actually started to enjoy himself. At first he was a bit nervous, but the more he flew, the more relaxed he became. He realized that he could still live his dream of being a pilot or at least be able to fly more often without so much fear.

"How you doing, Harm?" Mac asked when they had been in the air for a little while. She had noticed that he was relaxing considerably, but she still wanted to make sure he was okay.

"I'm okay," he said distractedly.

"You sure?"

"Yeah."

"I think you're finding your way, Harm."

"Yeah," he said with a flyboy grin.

Harm would always carry some memory of all that happened after his crash, but he'd survived and was finding the way.

The End

23


End file.
